Conversations with my older self.
Asking myself for advice on how to live.
Me: “How do I turn out? Who are you?”
Older Me: “Honestly I don't know, you haven't made up your mind yet.”
Me: (Sits quietly, examining myself. Assessment; “FUCK! He's right.”)
“So you don't have any suggestions on how I can overcome that struggle, because I am struggling. With how to live or who I want to be and, you know, rising to my potential, meeting my soul's calling, etc, etc… life purpose.”
Older Me: (Grimace.) “No not really. But I can tell you how I turn out based on what you would decide.
Me: “Yeah, but I want to know how to decide, what am I on track for now?”
Older Me: Well, what you're on track for now is being a sweet old man, nothing remarkable, but you're so damn nice. Everyone seems to get along with you and likes being around you. The one thing that you can hold up in your life is being lucky. You grow up soft, age gently and live lucky. You're good with yourself and you're tolerant of the realization that you could have done better, that you might have done more to make the world a better place. But you're okay now and you've made it this far and at this point no one, including yourself, is expecting you to make a difference.”
Me: “Yeah okay… So I do want to make a difference. I want to be that person. What's that version of me like?
Older Me: “Oh I'm fucking awesome! I might be old but I'm bright-eyed, quick-witted, fun, smart, adventurous on top of being nice, kind, loving and lucky. I don't have much money but I'm getting by, maybe with some style. And I'm feeling super good about my life.”
Me: “Yeah that's what I want. How do I get there?”
Older Me: “Well today is a good example of what you would do to get there. You just do the things that you want to do... Or that I want to do... You know, the best version of yourself.”
Me: “Yes, yes, yes, but I'm on track to being the okay version of myself. How do I get to be on the best version of myself track?
Older Me: “Just do what you did today, again. But honestly you haven't figured it out yet. You haven't figured out how to set a goal and reach it. You haven't figured out how to work when you're confused. You haven't figured out how to do what the best version of yourself wants you to do when you don't feel good, or when you feel tired. You haven't committed to anything, you haven't created a support network, you haven't gotten out of your comfort zone and found the people that you need in your life to help you.”
“So yeah, do all those things that you haven't done for decades and you'll be a different person after a few decades, but you're not there yet and I don't know if you ever will be, I hope you are. You seem to be in the process of rationalizing or accepting the easy path, the comfortable path, resting on your luck and charm. Frankly I know that's not who you want to be, and that's how your life has set you up to be. I hope you manifest what you want. But I’m good either way.”
Me: “Me too. I guess there's really nothing that I can do or say, or anything really. Is there even a point touching back in with you? Reporting my progress maybe?”
Older Me: “No. No don't touch in with me, don't report your progress that shit doesn't work and you know it. And there's absolutely nothing you can say, but there is something you can do. Call some counselors, get assessed for ADHD or bipolar or whatever get an external assessment of your mental landscape then get help if it looks like you need it. That's what you can do. Something small, manageable and right now.”
Me: “Thanks pop's. I hope you're well, and I will touch in with you because this has been of service to me.”
Older Me: “Ha! Ok. But I don't want to hear about it. You tell me who you are and what you’re doing, and I'll answer and give you advice based on who I am and my life experience. But none of this I need you to make a decision for me BS. I'll either be that gentle and lucky self, or I'll be that and the adventurous, fun self too.”
