Teenage Vibes
The best criticisms gives you the tools to get better.
I love my wife! She gives the best criticisms. I find them constructive, and helpful in the extreme.
At this point my sight is a skeletal wreck of what can be accurately described as teenage angst. This is not the vibe I want to put out into the world, nor the work that I want to reflect on my life. I know where this moody chaos is coming from though, so I have a chance to fix it. Its sourced in the struggle of creation.
At this point I have a jumble of building blocks, kernels, ideas that need organized and fit together to create something. The organizing intelligence behind this organizing process (Me) is having a temper tantrum, because realistically, I’m an infant in the arts of creation.
Staying true to the art of never doing anything, I am contrasting my current state with an idealized finished product, that when I pause to think about, I can’t actually visualize at all.
While its true that I’m frustrated by having the building blocks that jumble not knowing how they will fit together, deeper truth that I'm frustrated because I don't know what I'm building, the end goal isn't clear, and on that note the why of the thing is muddled.
If I'm honest with myself.
If I'm honest with myself these are the reasons why wants to create something.
I want to.
I want the world to recognize me.
I want to do something good for people, the planet, all life, and creation.
I need something to external to me self to point to as a success for self worth & value.
I want to make $ (at least enough to survive on, thrive on would be nice, RICH would be best.)
Sometimes the motivation for creation is simply an internal desire to create. Sometimes it’s because I really want the world to recognize me, to value me. Sometimes it’s because I want to do good, I don't need the praise or recognition but want to see something positive happen from the work of my hand, words, or mind. At other times it because I'm struggling to find self-worth, and something extrinsic to point to would be helpful. “I created that - this is me, this is my portfolio. There is a record.”
So that’s that why(s). A swirly murky pool of unsettled emotions, and varying drives. No wonder I'm frustrated. There's an old engineering adage “form follows function.” I don't have a clear function, thus the form constantly shifting, elusive. It seems ridiculous to me to create five different things, one for each motivation. I don't think I can clearly separate each driving force from the final product. Noticing possible for me to create one thing incorporating all the above into a single vessel or structure.
Throwing spaghetti at the wall.
Throwing spaghetti at the wall seems like the best course of action. Seeing what sticks, what is traction. Each strand of spaghetti in this case represents time energy creative will, desire, confusion, etc… Obviously throwing uncooked spaghetti at the wall nothing will stick. Actually have to cook my noodles to see if any of them are worth keeping.
Nor can one make a career (well maybe in this day and age) of throwing spaghetti against the wall. Actually have to commit to something.
Ahhh… its one of those universal life lessons that I want to share with people. Universe is full of paradoxes, and that you cannot move forward knowing the details of each next step ahead of where you are. Sometimes you have to commit to something that you cannot see.
Sometimes when the universe asks you to do a trust fall, you fall flat on your face. Some times this is your fault for being a dumb ass, some times there’s no way to avoid it, and some times, SOME times we’re caught. I'm pretty sure the stories of success that young people read about when they are seeking their fortunes are these cases. We don't hear the stories of the people who have fallen flat on their faces. We don't hear the stories of all the lottery losers, we don't revel and tell the tales of the unknown soldier… Most of us, slide quietly into the night whether we try, or not.
Full circle to teenage angst.
And thus I have returned to teenage angst. Perhaps this is the driving force behind the rage of the dying of the light.
So here is to a good trip!
Here is a cheer for screaming into the void. A toast to the open road ahead, a prayer for the strength, and courage for that trust fall, good humor for the pain if it comes, and humility if we meet with grace.
Here’s a good feeling for gathering your pack and hitting the open road, some times you’ve just got to go, even if your without a destination in mind.
Here’s to that infant raging at their build blocks turning into a child, building for joy, even if that is the only purpose.
